THE MAN WHO DIED TWICE

What do you think is worse - Richard Osman knows he can’t write and is just taking the money of the gullible, or he actually thinks he’s a good writer? Honestly, I think it’s the latter, and that is terrifying. 

This was not what I expected. Having avoided Osman’s first attempt at writing a book due to the lack of evidence that he was capable of such a feat, I had steeled myself for a cozy crime which would be terrible but at least be a harmless way of passing some time. But it appears Mr. Osman reckons himself as a bit of a Val McDermid, but is really more Val Doonican. There are moments, basically unskilled shifts in tone, which are, no doubt, meant to be shocking but are telegraphed pages in advance, and make Mr. Osman’s attempt at a serious crime novel look leaden and clumsy. 

This book is awful. I punished myself reading it. Every sentence is overwritten to breaking point; I think Mr. Osman intended them to be “clever”. He doesn’t succeed. It’s very hard to care about any of the characters because they are all so badly written. There is one called Elizabeth who is nearly seventy but talks like she’s twenty; one of the many signs of poor characterisation in this book. I suspect she is meant to be the “strong female character” in the book, and it is brave of Mr. Osman to create such a protagonist, seeing as he is incapable of writing a strong character of any gender. 

Mr. Osman wants to write well in his heart, (and I suspect he believes, in his head, that he does) but no part of this book is able to hold itself up as evidence for that. The villain is bereft of any dimension, let alone the requisite three. The main characters are as simply drawn as possible so Mr. Osman doesn’t have to work too hard at making them realistic. This book has three parts and 84 chapters for some reason. 84. This is not the hallmark of a competent writer. And neither is writing a story in the present tense just to be “edgy”. 

Mr. Osman thanks practically the entire population of the UK in his afterword; no need to thank your publishers, Richard…just thank the venal culture that allows poor vanity projects like this to exist. Somebody needs to stop allowing celebrities like Mr. Osman to write and publish whatever nonsense he can dream up whilst waiting to record Pointless. The first book “broke records”, and I’m sure this one will too, which is entirely due to the identity of its author. 

A plot that does nothing, characters that irritate and attempts at humour that do nothing but irritate, this is the last-minute homework of a talentless amateur desperately trying to avoid failing a creative writing course. No book can literally be painful to read; words on a page cannot actually cause you physical discomfort. But you know what? With “The Man Who Died Twice”, Richard Osman very nearly makes such a book an excruciating reality. I can believe this book exists - lots of very bad books exist these days - but I can’t believe people will choose to enjoy it. Are peoples’ lives really so empty that something so worthless can make it better? If this is 21st century literature then you have to fear for the future of the written word.